Some days I wanna place a melody to my blogs or sing an angelic song. Some feelings are inadequately expressed with words alone. I want to belt at the top of my lungs on the highest floor of the tallest skyscraper in New York City, high above the clouds, smog, noise and traffic.Scream louder than the raging winds and stand firmer than the gusty bellows of ferocious nature. I will do my best to adequately express this feeling. My first born child will be 4 in about two weeks. He is an enchanting child, with the spirit of a warrior and the eyes of an angel. Smarter than most and an appetite for knowledge. Unto me a male child was born.
I think back to four years ago, and where I was. I was filled to the tippy top of my being with fear. Thoughts of failure and what a disappointment of a mother I would be to this price-less piece of God's glory. I was so worried mostly everyday. My body was unfamiliar to me. I was immediately taken over by this person. I called my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband into the bathroom and showed him the pregnancy test. We hugged, smiled at one another and laughed. I was a wreck on the inside, smiling all the while.
This baby began to grow and I became crazier by the minute. I was so lonely, so alone and I had so much going on on the inside. I began to connect with myself, turn to him, my baby boy for comfort. He was there for me. I was so terribly sad one day at four months as was becoming the usually. I had been home bound for months do to my overwhelming morning sickness, left my meaningless retail job, on a "break" from school, and a serial telephone user. This was so depressing.
Before becoming pregnant I was the life of the party with the cutest outfit on , and the highest heels my face was beat honey but life seemed to go on without me and the party I got started hadn't missed a beat. I missed me. Who was I anyway? I was so confused. Did I want this baby? I just knew he (my boyfriend) really wasn't going to marry me know. I was nothing more than a statistic. How did I get here? I needed a drink, but I couldn't drink. Aughhhh! I was nothing to anyone and anything and here I am growing a life.
A few minutes after 6am this incredible beakon of hope in my belly moved. He was four months. It was as if the inside of me reached up and grabbed me. Wiped the tears from my eyes, He said I need you! I do!I can't make it without you! I won't! I'm here and I wanna come home with you. I can't wait to meet you. No one will ever love me more than you, I can't be without you! I hugged my belly,he was nothing without me? I was so in love. I wanted him in my life. From that very moment I have been a firm believer of what love can do. I am so grateful for him and so thankful. I love you baby!
My husband would always wonder why I would cry whenever the baby would cry or whenever he looked me in my eyes, why I breast feed him for so long and why the song long distance by Brandy produced such an emotional response from me and its simply because this baby saved me from me. Through his birth I was given the excuse I needed to explain the not drinking, life is a party personality I was carring around.I didn't have to run to the club, pretend to be happy. Be mean to you to keep you at arms reach. I didn't need to pretend anymore.
Thank you sweetie, mommy is so happy to have you. I commit to you that I will take appropriate, risks I will make we decisions , keep your feelings in mind and always make you a priority! What a difference 4 years can make!