An intimate meeting in the dark. A single candle flickers in the distance, soft cool of spring evening breezes blow the dingy drapes. The sound of a dripping kitchen facet and a busy city echo the background. The light scent of nutmeg fill the air. The room is still and everything is out of place. The room filled with well intented projects and her forgotten priorities.
He is absent yet again, after last time was the last time. The phone rings and she turns away. Tonight will be a meeting of the mind free from any distraction. An introspective analytical honest intuitive glance at herself.
Like a moth to a flame drawn by the fire she gazes longingly at the candle. She remembers the first candle she lite for him in preparation of his long awaited, highly anticipated arrival. He was the special kind, the cross everything off your man wish list kind. She remembers watching the candle pool as the evening grew long and he was an uncertain guest. She blew out the candle before heading to bed, he arrived much later.
She remembers the flame she lite in a drunken stupor , after a night on the town with the girls. The intention was to forget him girl he wasn't worth it anyway type of occasion. He broke your heart and left with her type of occasion. The foolish antics of the young. The memories float to the top of the drinking glass and you swallow each one of them. Sometimes you look right at them without recognition. Only for the liquid memories to reunite with you later joined with your favorite love song about heart ache and pain and leak from your tear ducts uncontrollably.
She remembers apologizing to him for not being as pretty as the other girls and promising to do better. Wishing, hoping and praying to be more beautiful, more like them. Cursing her own mother's womb and the man she choose as a suitable mate. Had SHE only choose someone more beautiful maybe then she'd face a chance at a pretty face. She knew! She would work really hard, save her money, and lay her body on the plastic surgeons table for slather. He thought it a great idea. They went home and lite a candle before she made love to him.
His request increased, after the slather he wanted to invite another women into their bed. She agreed. She never lite another candle in their bedroom after that night.
She remembered candle lite bubble baths and relaxing good nights. His inability to relax an her waking to an empty house. Intoxicating days followed by lonely nights. She remembered her naked body and the scent of him on her sitting up in the bed and the sheets she griped tightly covering herself as she hung her head and cried into them. She couldn't remember when she stopped crying before another something happened. She got used to the movement of the candle and the something to look at in the room other than the pink elephant. She knew many candles ago like the flame he too was dangerous for her.
She touched the flame. It burned her a little more each time.
She remembered her life-less body awaking with his hands releasing her neck, she had embarrassed him in front of his friends a few hours earlier. She was no longer allowed to accompany him while out with friends, she lite a candle before bed.
Holding her face watching the blood pour down her arms and splash into pools on the bathroom floor from her elbows, she stood up. Looked herself in the mirror, dazed. She could see him in the corner of her eye. He was sorry. The E.R resident doctors found seven broken bones. She would spend Christmas alone, hiding her abuse. She curled up in the fetal position under the Christmas this time, unable to go out and purchase a candle.
Why would tonight be any different? Because she sat and pondered on it? Because she cried a little harder? She was unsure. She would start by cleaning the cluttered rooms in her environment, physically and mentally.
If you are at all like her you can light a candle for yourself and your wellness. Place your hands together as you would when you pray. Open them just enough to allow your nose and mouth to fit inside. Whisper to yourself and listen to the sound of your own voice. Say it, Say listen to the sound of your own voice, listen to the sound of your own voice, listen to the sound of your own voice!
God Bless You