Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Beautiful Last Goodbye

If it be Thy much surrender in those four little words. And if it be Thy will- so it is.

It took me 17 years to utter those words with sincerity to our Heavenly Father.

17 years ago I lost my Earthly Father, Ethaniel Walton, at the age of 33, after not having him in my life for over 8 years and then becoming reacquainted at age 12 and having him in my life for a single year and a 1 time visit during summer vacation for 1 month. What a tragic story. Today would have been his 50th Birthday.

Before I begin a sorrow filled love letter I would like to turn it around and acknowledge the beauty of this story. You see God knows exactly what he is doing. This was a peradime shift in my life-the transition into my teenage years. He set the stage before he left for the next chapter.

 As much as I would like to press reset or find a Genie in a lamp to bring him back, I experienced the fullest form of pure unadulterated love, compassion, appreciation, understanding, kindness and answered questions-honesty. Oh Daddy, "I miss you so much", is an understatement! You have been gone so very long and so much has happened. It was so sudden.

The time we shared I carry deep down in my heart, safe.  Your love meeting my heart was foreign yet welcomed-from Hello to Farewell. Your love was like my favorite ice-cream on the hottest summer day, the cool of summer nights breezes.

 Every year, every birthday, every child birth I experience, every holiday I cry, cry cry, in your absence. Nothing changes. Now I celebrate your memory and share your splendor for all of us left behind.

Thank you for my very first training bra, I know you were as frightened as I was. First solo trip and first time in New York.  "S"gold ring, my first and placing it lovingly on my finger. Purple and white Fila sneakers, I rocked those until they started talking. Belly laughs galore, man you were hilarious,you were Fun! Singing together, you and I, making me feel like the only other person in the world. Teaching me how to cover more ground while moping the floor, how to brush my teeth "pretty", introducing me to Malcolm- X the dynasty, I don't know is not being an answer, how to bend down like a lady, the many many uses of alcohol, the importance of grooming and keeping a joke n your pocket. I loved the good times, the bad times and all in-between. I miss you. What a difference a month can make, every moment was so precious.

When I gave birth to Shannon-Ethaniel. Hurt by Christina was playing on the radio. Of all the songs. I felt your presence. Whenever I want you or need you I sing your favorite songs and there you are. Thank You.

You should know that I have a love. He is good to me, just like you wanted. He is also a singer. I guess its true girls do look for Husbands like their father's.

At the end of our thirty days, as I was boarding the train, I always wondered why you cried. Your spirit knew this was an atom bomb separating us within this dimension. I was to journey on without you. You did good Daddy, take a bow. I am married to a good, hardworking man that loves me for real in thought , word and deed, we have two of the brightest , loving, talented assignments from the Lord.I am in Graduate School. Completed two others with Honors. Have a great career and most importantly a personal relationship with the Lord.

I love learning thank you for sharing the importance.

I am a fighter Daddy  and I choose the experiences I want to have.

Thank You for sacrifice of Love-you didn't have to and with non-judgement I thank you for doing so when you did. God's timing. You are my hero and until I can tell you in person, "Keep your shirt on!"