Loss

As a child I had a coat that I loved dearly. A birthday gift from my most favorite, stylish, Auntie. She was a business woman and a boss. She dressed like money and was successful, a hair dresser, and I loved everything she put on. The coat was a reversible one, one side denim and the other side fur. Real fur! Exciting I know, don't judge me, after all this was the early nineties, we didn't know what to wear. I'm sure you've had a few fashion fauw-pas as well. Cross Colors ring a bell anyone? None the less this was a special coat, I never saw anyone else in it, all my own and I loved it. People would compliment me and I felt good about myself in it , there was nothing I couldn't achieve in this coat. People would also identify me in it and ask me about it when I wasn't wearing it. "Hey, where's that nice coat you had on the other day", they'd inquire.I was appropriately dressed for any occasion, I was the bell of the ball. I eventually outgrew this piece and my heart was broken.
In the fashion industry trends come in and out. We lose and gain a little weight. Mis-read the labels and wash our piece improperly, store them incorrectly in our closets during winter or summer months, go off on vacations and leave them behind and are unable to adorn our favorite pieces. The pieces we live our lives in, share a special lunch with friends in, attend one another's weddings in, and baby showers. When you really love something you feel the loss and mourn in its absence. Especially if its irreplacable , kinda like our loved ones.
I've been spared and have endured few deaths in my immediate family thankfuly. However the few I have lost were significant people in my life. My Father and my Great-Grand Mother, major major losses. I remember losing my father, he was a handsome, funny, giving, loving man. When he passed he was thirty-three, it was sudden. I immediately remember me sitting on the side of the tub as he brushed his teeth. I'd never seen anyone brush their teeth so neatly. I would watch him closely. He was my favorite show and this was one of my favorite episodes.  He would brush vigorously , then take his top teeth to scape the tooth paste foam from the bottom lip and sides of his mouth as a squeegee would a wet glass window, then continue to brush. He was heroic. He was all my own , he was love. When he wrapped his arms around me I felt safe, I felt like I had a number one fan. I was celebrated in his presence. He anticipated my arrival and enjoyed every word I had to say. He would play Stevie Wonder songs and sing along mimicking every word perfectly with his angelic voice to me as he mopped the living room floor , and I was captivated. He was so understanding and compassionate in terms of anything that concerned me.
The last time I saw him he cryed as he hugged me goodbye and I wondered why he was crying. I would have cryed too and held on a little longer and squeezed a little harder if I'd known this was goodbye for good.
I got the news once I got home from middle school. I can only imagine my mothers anxiety as she passed me the phone. It was my Aunt Debbie in New York. She wanted to speak to me. He passed the night before. How could this be? Superheros don't die! I started to internalized that thing and evaluate the full extent of the damage it would cause. I didn't have a father. I was so angry I wanted to kick something. I wanted to kick a garbage can and run down the streets spreading garbage , dibre, wreak havoc all the while screaming why! How could you leave me ? We have so much more to do! I'm so alone! Who will protect me now??? Stand in the middle of the mid-night sky, arms out stretched, close my eyes, tilt my head back facing the moonlite sky, allow the tears to run down the sides of my face, filling my ear drums, overflowing and dripping from my ear lobes. Producing authentic tear drop earrings if you will. Spilling into poodles, which would  turn into mud that I could sit in and cover myself with. Because I didn't care and nothing mattered anymore. The one man who loved me without condition was no more. I was devastated. I learned to settle those emotions by not internalizing them, but releasing them and crying whenever I needed to.
Here we are some twenty years later and some days are harder than others however it is well with me and I am healing nicely.
So like my Father and my Great Grandmother your favorite garments one day will be a thing of the past, nothing more than a treasured memory, coupled with beautiful photographs. Treat them well, and enjoy them for this time.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
God Bless You
Sjstyle